letter nostalgia

To start this blog off on the right foot, I, Hayley, want to let you know what I am attempting to do. Basically, I want to turn our readers into stationery snobs. I want you to look at stationery in a new light. Writing a handwritten note is not something you should be forced to do in customary social situations, but something you should want to do. I understand that in this digital world that it is simply easier to press send. Ironically, I am typing this mission statement, but please forgive me. Let's be honest with ourselves, who doesn't love to get mail that isn't a lame coupon or bills? You can tell right away based on the addressing whether or not it is a bill or simply a letter from a human, and not some digital operating device that prints out labels with your name misspelled.

I am the rambler, I basically write exactly what I am thinking without a care in the world if anyone can follow. So, bare with me, when I get something in my mail box addressed to someone else I get sad. Am I the only one who feels this way? I really want someone to write to me. When I was in elementary school I was forced to write to a pin pal. As I got older I continued to write to my best friend once she moved away to country-bumbkinville, I was devastated. Then I subsequently moved to an even farther country-bumbkinville and we remained diligent writers. We would seal our envelopes with the same slogan on the back FOR _________ EYES ONLY with two sadly drawn ovals for the eyes. I have kept every letter I have ever received in my life.

One letter in particular remains in my mind. I need to find it and post it immediately. It was my third year of college and I had just broken up with a pseudo boyfriend. I decided to try out this whole online dating thing. I put together the best photos I had and really took the time to fill out the questions about my life, I was taking this 100% seriously. I choose JDATE. They paired me with a guy who was shall we say a bit strange. He was very nice and treated me like a princess so I really had no complaints until....dun dun dun....he began calling me non-stop and wanted to see me every second of the day. Now, I know to some of you this may seem ideal, but to me it was just too much too soon. So I stopped returning his calls (I know that was cowardly, but I just wanted to avoid that conversation all together and I had hoped he would just get the hint). I am getting to the stationery part soon I promise, kudos for reading thus far. He even called my mother! No joke. Anyway, a few weeks later, I was feeling confident that I had shaken him, and I go to pick up my mail and in my box there was a business sized envelope. I grab the envelope to discover it was from him. So I rip it open and you will never guess what it says in a million years....tune back next week to discover the details...hahaha love a good cliff hanger.

Direction Card Disaster

This may be the nastiest email I have ever received. Not to be nit picky but the client also spelled my name wrong...I think I would have been less offended if he bothered to spell my name right. Okay so the back story is, bride and groom ordered their wedding invitations through one of our vendors and wanted to print the directions cards digitally inhouse to save money. Client emails us a 3 page word document file to scale it down to a 4x4". I sent them a proof double sided on 6x6", it was the only way to fit everything, the font size was tiny. The client then made edits to the text, not enough though and subsequently this went on for another 3 proofs. At this point the client needs to pay for the additional proofs, because it is time consuming to reset up all the text changes and adjust everything to fit. I told the client that an additional proof would cost $25 and this is his reaction.

P is the bride and D is the groom.

From D

Haley,

We really appreciate you guys trying to get this done for us. I know you guys are trying your best and we really appreciate it. We appreciate your effort and hard work.

P was running with this and keeping me in the loop, but I felt the need to reach out myself because I was shocked by your last email. As a matter of principle, there is no chance that I will agree to pay $25 for each additional proof going forward. Quite frankly, I think its insulting that this would even be mentioned to us given the circumstances.

First, this policy was never mentioned to us for internal proofs. We were explained the policy only in regards to proofs being done by external vendors for the actual invitation. For you guys to ask for another $25 for internal edits, given the amount we are already spending on invitations, is absurd.

Second, we quite frankly would not have required these additional proofs if you did not keep making mistakes. For example, in the second round of insert proofs, you decided to put the hotels in list format (one on top of the other) instead of side-by-side as it was done the first time. We never requested this change in format. So we had to ask you for another round of proofs because of a mistake that you made.

There is also another mistake in the last round of proofs: Your choice of font size for the last 4x4 proof was far from ideal and we are obviously going to require at least another round of proofs because of this error. The sole reason for why we tried to shorten the wording was to make the insert more readable in the smaller size formats. Why would you leave so much empty space on the second page of the 4x4 format given that the font is so small and hard to read? We assumed that you would have increased the font size so that there is no empty space on the second page and so that it becomes easier to read.

Finally, another mistake on the last round of proofs is that you did not leave everything in bold as we had requested. The word "not" in the last sentence of the "Shuttle Bus" paragraph is not in bold (as it was in the version we sent you).

Attached, please find the changes outlining the mistakes you made in the last proof. There are also a couple of new minor changes. If you can please correct your mistakes (in both the 4x4 and 5x5 sizes), include the few new edits, and resend us the latest proof, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

D

The changes he requested. 

Usually you keep pertinent information on one sided of the card and don't break it up. In this case "Accommodations" would be on one side of the card and the hotels on the other. The bride and groom booth came into the store on the following Saturday to "discuss" the direction card. And by "discuss" I mean gang up on me. Now, I will admit to being not great at customer service, I am more of a salesperson, but this couple really pushed me too far, coming in ready to argue. I lost it. I started yelling back at them "IT'S JUST A DIRECTION CARD!" Then the groom started getting huffy with me about how he shouldn't have to pay for the proofs when they were my mistakes...luckily I print out EVERYTHING and literally went through all of his changes verbatim as he was screaming at me. Finally, when he said I should feel horrible for nickeling him over the proof fees because he spent so much on his invitations. I asked him "if you went to Peter Luger's and bought a steak, would you expect to get the mashed potato'f for free?" he looked at me dumbfounded. Anyway, I think you can tell a lot about a couple by their direction card, just saying. Also, I learned from my mom after this encounter that apparently Peter Luger's doesn't serve mashed potato's. Oh well.

OVERHEARD: Teddy bear piñata

A bride comes in with her sister to order day-of printing to coordinate with elements from her Smock invitations. Having reserved a private New England island for her nuptials, she had a standard Smock, leafy tree as the main motif on her suite, which was mailed out a month ago.

As she and her sister sat down, she placed a Smock Father's Day card on the table, which she had grabbed off the rack since it happened to have her tree on.

Sister: Omg, wait. What is that? (grabs card and looks at it closely)

Bride: What?

S: Is that...a teddy bear piñata?

B: WHAT? (grabs card from sister)

Needless to say it is not (but now you can't unsee that...and neither can we).

Photo from Smock's blog.

OVERHEARD: Who is this?

Sitting with two female friends - one is pregnant, the other is hosting a baby shower for her. 

*Names have been changed.

Hostess: Should it say "Hosted by *Penny Burgh" or something?

Preggo: No, I think they'll get it.

H: But how will they know who this is coming from? I just moved, what if they don't know my address?

P: I think it'll be fine, believe me. They'll know it's from Penny Burgh.

H: But...

P: It's in the RSVP instructions to email you!

H: But...

P, exasperated: WHAT IS YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?

H: ...pennyburgh@email.com.

SUFFERING @ STAPLES

A day in the life of a stationer attempting to have their portfolio printed quickly. I went to staples because it was conveniently close to my house. I arrived at staples at about 11am to drop off my files to have printed. The sales associate gave me such attitude and proceeded to tell me she couldn't access my dropbox link because she didn't have internet on the computers. Meanwhile I hear the facebook messaging sound in the background.........no phone in site. It took her all of 20 minutes to write up my order, verbatim. I had to explain to her what a "bleed" is, and then she asked "how do we know where to cut it?" and I explained along the crop marks and she looked at me and said "is that supposed to be funny?" then I said "Huh?". I mean, was I missing something or was she? Apparently, staples doesn't train their copy and print center staff to learn anything about printing or copying.  She thought I meant "crop marks" from alien landings!!!!!!!! Seriously. She told me it would be ready by 4 and that she would call me if it was ready earlier. I decided to check in at 3pm and it was ready. Or NOT! Not only were the pages with the bleed cut larger than the rest of the file but the spiral bind was not centered on the page. Now, I know I am picky, however, it looked like crap. It took them almost 2 hours to print and bind one decent portfolio after several attempts. In one instance the associates tried to sell me my portfolio where all of the images were crooked. The next attempt exhibited their lack of knowledge in printing when they gave a product where the second side was upside down. At that point I had had the manager come twice! He was completed dumbfounded and looked like he had never pressed print on a computer in his life! I was so flabbergasted by the whole situation that I told the manager that he needed to hire people who know how to spell print. He ignored my comment and tried to convince me to have the portfolio shrunk to fit an 8.5 x11" rather than printed on an 11x17" and cut down. I was so angered by his incompetence, so I explained to him that I have worked in customer service most of my life and was appalled at how I was being treated. The associates literally took care of every client that had come in before they attempted to reprint my work. Having me wait their for another 45 minutes. Suddenly, a middle aged disheveled woman runs into the store and asks if she could please have her mothers funeral programs copied as soon as possible. The associate told her that she would have to wait about an hour, I looked at the woman and back at the associate and couldn't believe it. I told the sales associate to go help her, she refused, so I grabbed the woman and explained to her how to operate the do it yourself copy machine, and how to double side her copy. She was so grateful, and was very relieved. I should have been paid for the two hours I was there for! Anyway, I was still waiting for my portfolio another half hour when I get a call from a family member. I explain to the relative that if you see me on the 10 o'clock news, headline "girl runs rampant with staple gun in staples" don't be surprised. Finally after the most stressful two and half hours I finally have one portfolio, all in all it took 6 total hours for staples to print a 10 page portfolio, double sided, color, and spiral bound. The topper on the story is that the company I was showing this portfolio to didn't even look at it......

What I have learned from this experience: DON'T HAVE ANYTHING PRINTED AT A STAPLES!

Clickity Click.

E: Oh yeah leah was talking about that we were going to try it at work but again i dont think any of us had time when the holidays started haha









H: i feel like i havent done a wedding invitation in a century...all we do know is holiday and std (people are spending a shit tone on stds lately....we are doing a custom tiny pinata with a tag on in in a custom box with a custom bubbled env that we figured out how to print on.









E: Wtf! God









H: 




it's literally the cutest thing I've ever seen...you would die









E: An actual pinata?









H: donkey









E: Well when you have your schmancy new phone send me a pic!









H: hot pink lime green and white



adorable!









E: Not but a card shaped like one or an actual 3d donkey.









H: definitely..the best i think is the calligrapher is painting the guests names on maracas!



 3d donkey









E: God people have so much freaking money 





How?? They are getting these from someone else and you are printing tags and envs?









H: we couldn't find on that we could fill though....i know



 smock is printing the tags!



 the boxes actually was the most hard to find that would fit everything properly.









E: How do pinatas even work, are they papier-mache?









H: i assume....all i know is that the bride is sending mini asses to her guests



 hahahahaha!









E: Smh haha definitely send me a pic i want a tiny pinata.



 Badum tish









H: ill see if i can grab one for u!

E: Haha yeah they are probably like a zillion dollars each even if some little child in the slums of mexico made them 



Lol oriental trading has them.









H: 

yeah i think we got them from the orientals LOL ahahahaa



gonna go to sleep i have to deal with bitching brides....









E: 

Sigh our lives



 K ttyl!!

THE CHAIR SCARE

The absurdities of my job wasn’t nearly as evident as when winter began. Like every other person living through a cold winter I wore a coat to work. My clients likewise wore coats, they wore scarves, hats, earmuffs, and gloves. The owner of the company I work for decided that the ‘LOOK’ of the store would be “Shabby Chique”. Which basically means any used furniture that can be salvaged and painted white would do. To set the scene properly I have to describe my job, I meet with Brides, need I say more? I consult with brides, their grooms, their parents, grandparents, bridesmaids and occasionally their dogs to discuss their Wedding Invitations. On this particularly cold day in the middle of the week I had a appointment with a bride and their mother. I invited the clients to take a seat at one of the three table options at my store. The table they choose is this crummy old dining table that is literally sinking in the middle but painted over completely in high gloss white paint. It is the largest table in the room. The table is usually preferred for our meetings due to its size in relation to the size of the sample invitation books. I am about to sit down on one of the uncomfortable high gloss wicker chairs when the clients who are simultaneously hanging their coats, scarves and pocketbooks on the chairs. Suddenly I hear a boom boom sound and watched the confused looks of my client’s faces and realized the chairs are too lite to handle the weight of everything. Obviously, I apologized and said that was strange. Subsequently this continued to happen at every client meeting I had for the following week. So, I decided to discuss this problem I noticed with my manager and detail the experiences I had. My manager seemed nonplussed and said she would look into ordering new chairs thus the inception of my new motto began. Every time I would meet with clients the chairs would hit the floor, I would automatically defend the incident by saying “we ordered new chairs, I can’t wait till they arrive”.  On one incident that I will never forget is when my client decided to drop by to go over her invitation proof and discuss her guest addressing. The bride had just come from walking her dog, she called ahead to see if I was available and if it was okay to bring her puppy into the store. I said it was fine and that I would have everything ready by the time she had arrived. The bride came into the shop holding the cutest puppy ever, as I am not a dog expert I identified the dog as being a brown, fluffy, medium sized  with pointy ears. No puppies were hurt in the making of this scene. However, the bride hung the leash on the back of the chair everything seemed fine as we were going over the changes and then boom and screech..the chair and subsequently the puppy went down. I equated this turn of events with the puppy stretching on its hind legs and leaning against the back of the chair.  I think the puppy was shocked because it sat on the chair staring up at us with an awkward tilt to it’s head. The bride was apologetic blaming the puppies young enthusiasm...I didn’t know what to say I just finished the meeting and sat at my desk trying to figure out what has just happened…I decided then and there to really push for the new chairs. My argument was that a clients family member was sitting on the chair when it tipped over and if we didn’t get new chairs we would get sued! (dramatic I know….but I was probably as shaken as the puppy …mostly with guilt)

 We still don’t have new chairs but I definitely put in a fight….I have thus instituted new rules for who may sit where during appointments. 

Oh hey!

A little introduction to the voices in this blog's head:

I wanted to introduce myself. I am Hayley, and I am a stationer. I feel like I just admitted to being an alcoholic. Basically, a stationer is someone who is obsessed with paper and all things related to paper. That being said, I tend to be a bit of a snob. When I receive any kind of invitation, within moments I determine the printing method used and the type of paper. Nothing escapes my attention, from the envelopes to the addressing and especially the return address. The typical things the average guest notices are nothing to what I can discover and determine about your affair. I am ruthless and rude. I just can't help it, so please forgive some of my future commentary. It's not you, it's your stationery.

...

Ella here. But Hayley might sometimes refer to me as Kim, because once, months ago, a client inexplicably said "Sounds great. Thanks, Kim," after receiving multiple emails signed "Ella". I don't pretend to know what goes on in other people's heads. My motto is always "I just work here." As I work though (I am also a stationer), I quietly take down any memorable quotes or anecdotes for posterity, which I then share with Hayley, and we have a good laugh over the insanity that is the world of paper. "Paper? Insane?" you ask, doubting my own mental status. But yes, our world is one where paper, commas, capital letters, and ampersands can ruin lives. And this is a blog about that world.

We just write here.